These days I look at the mirror and I like what I see. I’ve made a commitment to myself to become healthier, stronger and just become a new me. For quite a few years I’ve struggled with this. I would look at the mirror and ask myself what was so wrong with me. What do I need to change? Who do I need to become? Where do I have to go? I kept thinking that if I changed enough of myself then I would finally be the kind of girl that would be wanted. I really wanted that acceptance. Then I learned more about myself as I embarked on a new journey. I learned that I really loved being me. I might not be what everyone else thinks I should be but that was okay, in fact that was perfect. And then he came along.
He could be described in many ways and has many redeeming qualities. He just keeps letting me down though. It’s a ‘push-and-pull’ relationship but not in a good, ‘we’re-working-together’ kind of way. It is more like a ‘he decides when to push me away and when to pull me back’. He explains to me in clichéd similes and phrases that he wants me. He wants me! He cares about me. He does not want to hurt me. He wants to be with me. Just not now. He makes it sound so logical. If we had it easy it wouldn’t last, he tells me. I’ll call you just now, he says but never does.
I scold myself for being so dramatic. I laugh at my stupidity. He told me time would be hard to get. He told me he gets busy. I should have understood better. I signed up for this. My heart still feels like it is cracking though when he cancels and cancels and cancels again. It hurts. It is more rejection piled high on more rejection. He apologises and promises it will never happen again. He just does not feel like doing anything today. If he really wanted me though, he would not do this. He would not let me down at every chance he gets. He would not let it get to this.
Somehow what he really wants from me becomes clear. I tell him that and he says he would not be wasting his time talking to me if that was all he wanted. He does want it though. I know he does. It leaks into every word he says to me. Then I start to wonder if I have been trying to change the right things about myself. If he wants me but only for what I see in the mirror then is it really worth it? I know attraction is needed to spark anything between us and it might even start a fire but it won’t keep the fire going.
As he tells me that he needs more time when all I have given him is time, I start to feel the warmth going away. I start to feel the cold closing in around me. I start to feel the tears of anger, embarrassment and hurt chocking me. I get even more angry and then I cut the call. He only calls me for two reasons anyway. Both are very manipulative. I tell my friends because they see the change in me. They see the effect it has on me and they tell me to let go of him. They tell me that he doesn’t deserve me. I deserve much better. It doesn’t make sense though. He does not make sense.
He tells me that I’m overthinking everything, we should just go with the flow. So I try. I give him space. Maybe it’s too much space because now he asks why I don’t call him. I try to devise a plan in my head to figure out what to do. He never tells me what he wants from me. He doesn’t tell me what he wants with me. He just wants me and that messes with my head. It messes with every part of my life. I should be happy, I always wanted to be wanted but I don’t feel wanted by him. I feel alone. I feel like the last thing on his list of priorities. I’m lower on his list of priorities than the tortoises he doesn’t feed. If he wanted me, surely I would have felt it by now. He keeps telling me he does though.
Those feelings taint everything in my life. I can’t look at anyone without wondering what they think about me or how they see me. Do they even want me in their lives? Nope, I’m absolutely sure they do not want me here. I bet they hate me. Then I look at my reflection and suddenly I do not like what I see anymore. I wonder what I need to change and how to change them. It starts eating up my mind and my soul. It kills me and it’s all because he is taking his time deciding what he wants. I know though… if he wanted me, he would have been doing everything to get me yet I can’t let it go. I can’t let him go and these days… I don’t even know why.